Believe it or not, I used to be thinner. Well, when I was a kid and played sports I was not thin exactly because, you know, being a kid, a Polish-homeschooled-TV loving kid. Despite those things I was freakin' active and my dad would tell you that I had fun jumping on the carpet while watching The Lion King on VHS. Puberty is a vicious bitch and caused my body to go berzerk. Well, so did thinking I had to be a certain size, depression, being made fun of by everyone in my family about it but my mom. You know.
Let's see, I'm guessing it was 6 years ago now that I entered a contest at the Galleria to guess how many whistles there were in a jar. Whoever won would be given a free month at a boot camp held at the mall. Guess who won? I liked it so much I invited my friend Emily to do it, and for awhile it was just us two in the boot camp. After awhile, I lost 30 pounds, started dating for the first time in my life (yes, at 22), and had confidence that I never had before. I finally pursued acting again because people told me I was pretty and I finally believed it.
After a rough period in my life, I gained it back and then some. Like, a lot. I will give you my stats now, just to cut through any BS:
Weight: 235ish
Dress size: 18/20
Goal weight: 170
"Ideal weight": 130-150
So, this doesn't include my measurements for one reason and that is because some mystical nymph stole my measuring tape. Or I lost it. Same diff.
I am going to the gym for me. Not to lose all the weight of my person, not to show off for lunkheads or prove some skinny bitches that they have nothing on me, because frankly they don't. My ass is still better than yours and always will be no matter how much you're on that stairmaster, honey.
I'm going so I don't have to be on high blood pressure medication anymore.
I'm going so I can be strong when lifting babies at the daycare on Sunday mornings.
I'm going so I can fit into my own clothes again.
I'm going so I can love myself.
Yes, part of me is proving my dad wrong; I can love myself at 235 even if he can't. I can see myself as beautiful and talented and, yes, an actress because I am.
Moreover I am proving myself wrong. There have been many times that I've given up. People may think I obsess over people like Melissa McCarthy or Tess Holliday to tell myself its ok to be "what I am" as opposed to what I should be, aka fat or lazy. That's not true. Those women are my heroes, they have encouraged me to take care of my life and my self because I have dreams and I am not going to die saying I never gave it the "college try".
This will probably feel like Harvard. My knees are bad from working at the deli for so long and now working at a desk job, and yeah probably extra weight. My arms are just weak because I play video games, duh. I get tired easily because I work full time, go to school full time, and wife/daughter/friend full time too. Its a lot.
This is the first time in my life someone like me has been famous. They're probably more beautiful or whatever but they have such joy about them and love life and people. They are not wonderful because of or despite their size--they just are. That's what I want to be and I am fighting to get back there.
Thanks, Tess, for posting pics of yourself with your personal trainer at the gym. You have no idea how much they have motivated me to get back in to shape.
Hello, Harvard. Time to get an A.
