The Most Important Movie This Holiday (and Probably Forever)

Free movie screenings are the best because they combine the two things I love most: free stuff and movies. Thanks to the Austin Film Society's generosity, I was able to view not one but two free screenings this week. Merry Christmas to me!

The first of which was Jackie starring Natalie Portman as Jackie Kennedy during the time of her husband's assassination. Beautiful cinematography is only overshadowed by Portman's performance. Its as if she stole Jackie's soul, breathiness of voice but smart and strategic. This was an important film for an important time.

But that is not the one you need to see this Christmas.

Tonight, my husband was able to join me in a preview screening of A Monster Calls. I will not be divulging any information regarding the plot, though the trailer is very good at letting one know exactly what to expect.

There was no viewing of this film for me, only experiencing it. The summary of the story is that a middle-school aged boy is dealing with his mother having cancer by befriending a giant tree guy. The trailer rests below.

If you know me, the year I've had or, rather, the years that I have had, you can guess  it hasn't been easy. I'm not here to explain away any choices I've made or haven't or to seek sympathy. All I ask is that you view this film to gain a true understanding of those in your life who may be hurting.

Though not all of the story is personally applicable , the guilt, anger, fear, and betrayal Conor experiences are. There was not a moment this film didn't stir my soul or guide it into the place it needed to be. Was it enjoyable? Healing isn't always enjoyable and neither was this film. A Monster Calls and healing are not mutually exclusive.

Don't get me wrong--director Juan Antonio Bayona makes a gorgeous picture. There are scenes of watercolors, dreams, and nightmares, all of which are memorable and visually striking. Lewis MacDougall plays Conor, the young protagonist, and gives the best performance one could ask from any professional actor. I hope he's around for years to come.

Never have I experienced something, a motion picture or painting or literature, calm my soul all the while prodding it to deal with all the clutter left inside. Movies connect more deeply than many other forces in the way they can subvert your expectations and force you to address your own sins or suffering scattered across the silver screen.

This movie is not for children and has a PG-13 rating for a reason. Just because a child is the star and its about his life doesn't mean its suitable for little people.

There is much more I want to say about this film, and will do so in another post that is chock to the brim with spoilers and scene analyses. But for now, I will let my heart finish its response and my tears dry.

On politics

I thought my blog would be a safe space to discuss my thoughts on the debate in the entirety, moreover because I posted enough on Facebook already. The folks that read those thoughts are more than welcome to continue reading them on this blog. The Internet is a noisy place and I don't mean to negatively contribute.

Tonight was the night:

THE DEBATE

The "debate", also known as the tantrum-throwing-talking-over-show, was unlike any I'd heard in my life. For years, I had been raised to be a good Republican because that's what a "Christian" was, switching between altars of Jesus and St. Ronald himself. Being homeschooled didn't help this cause but in fact exacerbated the "brain-washing" that occured in my formative years. I do not think my parents ever meant this to harm me but I do believe they would die if they knew my deepest, darkest secret.

I'm with her.

I mean, I guess. She was never my first choice, for many reasons, but those reasons are now minute compared to the outrageous toupee'd pumpkin who parades himself as a yuuge success. I'm really with Bernie and think what the Clinton campaign did to him was obnoxious. Very House of Cards, if you will. However, I love my country enough to vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton.

There have been many things that have not felt right about Drumpf's campaign, message, or personality. He's brash and narcissistic at his best; mean, incompetent, and dangerous at his worst. In fact, the thing that made me 100% for Hillary (I mean, like, buying a car magnet and stuff 100% for) is Drumpf's character...or really the fact that he hasn't got one.

Political television ads are ridiculous, ranking up there with used car places or mini-malls in annoying factor. A poorly edited video with a microscopic budget is not a proper way to run your campaign, nor is an all out bloodbath, dumping everything on the other candidate as if they are the anti-Christ. Oh, do I remember my parents talking about that 8 years ago.

Clinton has an elegance about her campaign and its attack ads. In fact, when I first viewed this one about a WWII Prisoner of War, I was stunned. Secretly hoping for a mini-documentary about this hero's life, I was shocked to see it was a tactfully done ad by the Clinton campaign. It was not vicious; it was truthful. Drumpf is his own worst enemy.

The second ad I watched has been playing over and over in my mind and I cannot ignore it.

Can we ignore a man who degrades women? As a woman, one who has been considered "fat" or "chubby" or "overweight" by many people over her lifetime, I cannot. I cannot support him, cannot believe he is representing a party that I so closely associated rather foolishly with my religious convictions.

It is not just that he degrades us, it is that he would never see us as equal. What kind of world would I wake up in thinking that the President of a country I love, that my father and my grandfathers fought for, my grandmother emigrated to, would not see me as a valuable asset to the country? He would not see me as a person, rather as a piece of meat.

His comments tonight regarding "home grown terrorism" involved some pretty derogatory language, including a person who would be considered a deviant of society (a hacker) would be 400 lbs. Why is it necessary to: 1. bring up a person's weight in a political debate and 2. associate obesity with being a "bad guy"?

This isn't just about me.

This is about my mom.

She was brilliant in her top form, educating me every day while juggling managing my dad's business. In the 1980s, she was even an engineer of sorts without ever holding any type of higher degree. This woman is my hero. She left an abusive relationship to raise her son, gave up a promising career to make sure I became an educated person, and always tried to make sure I did my best.

Would he see her as a woman, a person, because of her condition? What kind of rules would he make to rid the earth of the disabled or people who couldn't contribute? This worries me greatly. 

Because of the feminist my mother made me, believing I was equal to any man, any person at all, I will break her heart and vote for a Clinton. There is no way that I would ever put any support, ideological or monetary, behind such a hateful fascist.

My mom did not raise a fool. I have changed; I do not believe I am a Republican or Democrat. I try to remember what she taught me, about God being the one whom I truly adhere to, to be kind, to be loving, to resemble Christ in his compassion and love. Hell, they even named me after him.

It is because I value myself, my mother's legacy, and my grandmother's legacy, that I firmly will say:

I'm with her.

champion

"Can we talk, um, about stuff?"

My request to eat ice cream with my husband is not unusual, though it has become problematic thanks to a recently discovered gluten problem. The things on top of my mind had nothing to do with wheat amino acids or calories or anything of the sort.

He seemed a bit shocked that I suggested we dialogue over the dinner table instead of in front of the television. Without a proper couch, or even living room set up, this is uncomfortable. I don't need it to be anymore awkward than that which I bring myself.

I'm anxious.

Rocky road, sitting in little glass bowls, staring at me.

"Talk to me, baby. What did you want to discuss?"

"Nothing..."

Wait for it.

"Well, I mean, when you left college what was your mindset? What helped you press on?"

Husband is a wealth of knowledge and self-motivation. He knows no failure and to not say no to himself. He's not only a champion of his own, but my champion.

He tells me the story of taking two months to complete a portfolio, as his parents graciously let him come home for a time. He then got the job he wanted. He knew nothing else.

He encourages me, holding me as he tells me the things I am accomplishing that no one else has done that he knows of. He tells me my mind is a torrential sea, swaying me back and forth. I need to be Neptune, controlling it's waves and ebbs, controlling it instead of the alternative.

He is my champion.

I will be victorious for him.

sixteen days

It's been a long while since I've written anything here, without much good reason. Writing is usually a stress reliever for me and, boy, how I have been stressed.

Half of this year, a good chunk of my 28, has been absorbed with my father's sickness. We are coming to a close on the radiation journey. He seems to be doing well; our phone conversations are less strained, his speaking is much clearer than previous efforts.

Sixteen days left until my birthday. I think. My math skills have been kind of lackluster lately. Maybe I need to get back to doing hundreds of Kumon problems every week! There are lots of things I need to get my brain back on track, out of cancer survival mode, doing what I was trying to before things fell apart.

I will be 29. Starting then, I have 30 things I want to accomplish before my 30th birthday. I'm actually going to be writing a completely separate, hilariously gut-busting blog about it, detailing my own rules for the 30 things I'll be doing. Ok, the only gut I'm really trying to bust is my own--definitely one of my goals.

After the Valley is back into full on production. There are some exciting developments that have taken place in the past week alone that I cannot detail yet. Just be warned, my film will be awesome.

Graduation also comes this December.

I'm trying to take a break from things that distract, people that hurt, and thoughts that destroy. It's hard, but I'm almost to the finish line and when I get there, it will be fantastic.

exhaustion

Silence on this blog is a side-effect of many things, including but not limited to dropping classes, visiting family members, and, of course, a very sick Dad with a very bad stage of cancer.

Of course, I am allowed to cry and feel miserable but it gets me nowhere. The Lexapro that massages my brain into some sort of satiated normalcy has kept me sane, along with this crazy wonderful man known as my husband. Other than that, I'm pretty much falling apart.

This is the basis for another blog I'm going to be working on here shortly. But if you are in need of this as much as I am, just remember:

It's okay to be mad.

It's okay to be upset.

It's okay to feel defeated.

But it's not okay to give up.

You got this, I got this, we got this. We're going to survive together.