An Ending's Beginning

Six, or seven years, of tumultuous family bickering and arguments over the betterment of out matriarch come to a slow, quiet conclusion--likely rife with tears, confusion, and anger--tomorrow afternoon.

Six years this past September 1st that I witnessed my existence change.

Not just my existence, really, but that of everyone around me including my city, the other sibling that tagged along quietly everywhere we went. It was and is consuming, and it is tiring. Oh, how it is tiring to explain that my mother is not herself and that I am beginning to forget what she was like before. That yes, she looks like someone else, yes, she was a great cook, yes to random pop culture comparisons. From family members to complete strangers, I am so tired.

Tomorrow is the opening of a new chapter for all of us, but mainly her. Though I don't know what's going on in her mind, we all think she's still in there somewhere. Some days she doesn't know who I am, which I guess was to be expected since I've moved away and can't visit as much. Others, it seems like she never wants to let me go. I love those days.

Dad told me that she stares at him sometimes, perhaps wondering if it's him or an imposter. Since cancer ravaged his throat, he has aged at least five years only in a very short, traumatic one. I could understand if she doesn't recognize us anymore. It doesn't make that hurt any less. She must be terrified all the time.

Of all the well-adjusted people in the world, my folks have never been among them. Dad has tried to be more open about his feelings, especially about this and how it's a mixed blessing. It's gotten too hard, she's too unpredictable, and it's no longer safe for anyone. She's terrorized by getting her hair washed at the salon and refuses to even eat Snickers anymore.

It's so easy to reflect on the could haves and should haves that have passed by in rapid succession. All I know is that I did what I could and that's how we're here now. God knows the struggle this has been for us all and, though marred with sadness and long forgotten hope, he's granted us what we've been working for as soon as Dad started loosening his grip.

Tomorrow means something new and I don't know what or how that will play out. Thankfully, my husband will be by my side, as he has been through the entirety of this. Without him, I couldn't have had the strength to complete any of this but he would tell you otherwise because that's just what he does.

If you pray, give a prayer of thanks on our behalf; thanks for the life we've shared, all five of us plus those who have decided to join the journey somewhere along the way. Thanks that God has given us so many wonderful memories, things to learn, and places to grow. Thanks that Mom will hopefully be able to enjoy life again, even if she doesn't know we are part of it. We will always cheer her on like she has us.

Always.

Happy birthday to The Sims!

Best Buy has always been a place of wonder and enchantment from me, even from my earliest memories. Whether we needed a new computer because someone pushed the wrong buttons (hint: it was probably me) or my brother tried to sneakily coerce my mom into buying him an overly-expensive Prince CD with PARENTAL ADVISORY upon the front of it, as though it was a scarlet letter. For me, it meant the chance to maybe get 1) a Backstreet Boys _____ 2) a movie from the cheap area or 3) that little portable black and white TV I had saved all my gift money and begged for literally every time we went there. Video games were something we reserved for buying at Babbage’s, Target, or Toys R Us. More often than not, they were my brother’s choice--not mine.

By the time the year 2000 rolled around, my brother had moved out since he was eight years my senior. This left me with my N64 and a PlayStation, as well as my parents’ PC. Most of the games I’d played on the PC were “educational” (I was homeschooled, after all), with Roller Coaster Tycoon and SimCity 2000 installed for good measure. When playing them during the day, I would often say that I was learning business principles, and my parents would leave me alone. Perhaps I missed my calling as a lawyer.

On one rainy day, as my parents contemplated the purchase of a new PC at Best Buy, I meandered the aisles of the store in an attempt to entertain myself. The ritual of CDs-movies- then-games rarely changed but was not observed this day. Something had pulled me to the gaming section. 

It was in that moment my entire life changed forever.

Released in February 2000, twelve-year-old me fell in love with Maxis Studios The Sims. Having previously been a fan of SimCity, my parents seemed eager to purchase the game for me. My dad even commented on how it looked fun and cool to him, which helped me skate across the whole T rating issue. From there, a love story was born. Well, of course it was Bella and Mortimer Goth’s but it was mine, too. I had found a game that let me be creative and weird and tell stories. It was beautiful.

Seventeen years and many new editions and expansion packs later, I am still playing. This, of course, means I am much older now, but my need and adoration for The Sims is as strong as its been. From the PS2 version, I learned about nudist’s colonies, from the College edition of The Sims 2, I decided I never really wanted to live in a dorm. The Sims 3 helped prepare me for marriage and home-decorating...at least, that’s what I’ve told myself.

More importantly than learning things from Sandbox games, its the experience. When something bad happens to a lovingly crafted Sim, it hurts. When the blue screen of death appears out of nowhere and you lose the home you’ve been lovingly crafting, it hurts. Not to liken something as insignificant as losing a game file to bankruptcy, but the game did help me when that happened to my parents in 2008. It helped me cope with horrible relationships and self-esteem, as I could create whoever I wanted to be and the life that I had always dreamed of. The Sims gave me some kind of power that I never knew I had, something very few others game have ever done.

Here’s to seventeen more years, The Sims. Please go back to open world style gameplay in your next update, though. This Sim-fiend would be grateful for it.