Six, or seven years, of tumultuous family bickering and arguments over the betterment of out matriarch come to a slow, quiet conclusion--likely rife with tears, confusion, and anger--tomorrow afternoon.
Six years this past September 1st that I witnessed my existence change.
Not just my existence, really, but that of everyone around me including my city, the other sibling that tagged along quietly everywhere we went. It was and is consuming, and it is tiring. Oh, how it is tiring to explain that my mother is not herself and that I am beginning to forget what she was like before. That yes, she looks like someone else, yes, she was a great cook, yes to random pop culture comparisons. From family members to complete strangers, I am so tired.
Tomorrow is the opening of a new chapter for all of us, but mainly her. Though I don't know what's going on in her mind, we all think she's still in there somewhere. Some days she doesn't know who I am, which I guess was to be expected since I've moved away and can't visit as much. Others, it seems like she never wants to let me go. I love those days.
Dad told me that she stares at him sometimes, perhaps wondering if it's him or an imposter. Since cancer ravaged his throat, he has aged at least five years only in a very short, traumatic one. I could understand if she doesn't recognize us anymore. It doesn't make that hurt any less. She must be terrified all the time.
Of all the well-adjusted people in the world, my folks have never been among them. Dad has tried to be more open about his feelings, especially about this and how it's a mixed blessing. It's gotten too hard, she's too unpredictable, and it's no longer safe for anyone. She's terrorized by getting her hair washed at the salon and refuses to even eat Snickers anymore.
It's so easy to reflect on the could haves and should haves that have passed by in rapid succession. All I know is that I did what I could and that's how we're here now. God knows the struggle this has been for us all and, though marred with sadness and long forgotten hope, he's granted us what we've been working for as soon as Dad started loosening his grip.
Tomorrow means something new and I don't know what or how that will play out. Thankfully, my husband will be by my side, as he has been through the entirety of this. Without him, I couldn't have had the strength to complete any of this but he would tell you otherwise because that's just what he does.
If you pray, give a prayer of thanks on our behalf; thanks for the life we've shared, all five of us plus those who have decided to join the journey somewhere along the way. Thanks that God has given us so many wonderful memories, things to learn, and places to grow. Thanks that Mom will hopefully be able to enjoy life again, even if she doesn't know we are part of it. We will always cheer her on like she has us.
Always.
