Grateful

Every year at work, we have a different theme for student's to learn and for the community to adhere to. This year we are celebrating being grateful. Don't get me wrong--even though I may complain about my job, I am grateful for it. If I complain about my health, I am grateful that it is not worse.

Lately there have been many things popping up, convicting me that I have let my own standards fall by the wayside. Maybe its because of the growing depression and anxiety, or perhaps this is all causing it? To be honest, my family occupies most of my mind space, followed by school. It makes me feel like a bad friend, wife, and employee. I don't even feel like that great of a daughter.

Somebody like me usually tends to get caught up in the little details, the things from the past that won't leave. Anxiety is driven by these thoughts, man. Some days my past mistakes are the only things I can think about and they affect me greatly. I'm lucky that I have Justin to help me through these things but it should not be his problem, at least I think so.

Christmas and Thanksgiving always bring back memories that I cherish but have a hard time living through. I feel guilty for not being more grateful for my mom and all the work she did for us to have a fun Christmas. I feel guilty for not including a childhood bff in my life more after she moved away. I feel guilty about my family dynamics in general. Part of me feels like the true Christine is missing, while this adult person I've become is a total bitch. I'm working very hard to reverse this view of myself, whether it is true or not.

I'm trying to become more grateful than anything, holiday season or not. The experiences in the past have made me who I am. For every single fight, shopping trip, play date, movie outing, and ordinary day, I am grateful. Those days make me sad because they are gone, not what happened in them. The fact that so much has happened that has stolen some of the joy that childhood brought. I guess that's what every adult deals with at some point.

Hoping whoever reads this has a beautiful Thanksgiving, that you reflect on your life with gratitude, joy, and sorrow, but remember that it all helped you become who you are. That is a wonderful thing.

One year down, Infinity to go

Our first wedding anniversary is today!

I am tending to get mushier the older I get. I never thought I'd be like that to be honest. Perhaps I thought "strong silence" like my dad uses was how I would turn out, in order to not hurt or get hurt. Well, as much as my mom never wanted, I am much like her. She would cry reading Bible verses to me when I was very small. When I asked her why, she said because they were so beautiful. This is one thing that I have developed even more strongly in recent years and am maybe a little bit weepy as I write this.

Our wedding day had nothing to do with the good or bad decisions I made in planning. It had nothing to do with cake, flowers, dresses, or who sits where. It had and still has everything to do with us. I think that everyone would say it was us pretty much down to a t.

This past year has held such joy along with struggle. I get to see you every day, playing video games together until way too late, watching bad (and good) movies, planning our future kids' Christmas presents in the Toys R Us catalog. You support me more than anyone ever did, you love me more than ever has, and will continue to do so because that's who you are. You are the kindest person in the world and I hope part of the kindness rubs off onto me every day.

You are a talented artist but your talents do not stop there. There is nobody funnier or sillier than you! I cannot have bad karaoke dance parties in the car with anyone else nor would I want to. You know how to make me laugh when life gets too much. If anyone needs anything at all, you are always first to volunteer to help.

I remember our second date. This was the day I met the Young family, another benefit to being married to you!  It was Fourth of July, and we were sitting in the back of your dad's truck in the Joe T. Garcia's restaurant near downtown Ft. Worth. Traffic was terrible and this was the only spot we could find. It was clouded by trees, but that didn't really matter to either of us.

We talked about our greatest fears and wishes. I said that I wanted to leave a piece of me behind, scared of futility and all that philosophical nonsense. All you said you wanted was to be a good father. You told me how much you loved your dad and how you couldn't wait to pass all the knowledge on to someone else.

Talking about children so early didn't seem weird to me with you. You didn't judge me for my dreams, like so many others have. I knew that you were a good person with a heart of gold but it wasn't until that September that I knew that I wanted to be with you for all time.

After witnessing my mom's seizure and being alone in the hospital with her for hours, you kept calling and texting and asking if everything was okay. You said you'd leave work to be with me, something my father did not offer. I didn't want you to meet her like that or see me that way. We had only been dating barely two months at this point and I didn't want to scare you off either. You not only stuck with me through this, but the great depression and struggle that has followed me since.

There is nobody in the world that has showed me love like you. I remember thinking about it one day as we were driving and told you that you were the perfect example of what the Bible says about Jesus loving the church, the Bride and Bridegroom scenario. I love that you strive to be like Jesus even when others around you are not. This verse reminds me of you:

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:34-35

You show love and compassion everywhere you go and it is so beautiful to see it in action. You love your family, friends, people that you've never even met. You fill my heart with a gladness that is rare to find. You are precious to me. You are the Batman to my Robin and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now that we've gotten the first year out of the way, let's get started on taking over the world. At least our small part of it, you know? We are destined for great things and if there's anyone that deserves it, its you.

I love you, Justin. 

Happy Anniversary!