Grateful

Every year at work, we have a different theme for student's to learn and for the community to adhere to. This year we are celebrating being grateful. Don't get me wrong--even though I may complain about my job, I am grateful for it. If I complain about my health, I am grateful that it is not worse.

Lately there have been many things popping up, convicting me that I have let my own standards fall by the wayside. Maybe its because of the growing depression and anxiety, or perhaps this is all causing it? To be honest, my family occupies most of my mind space, followed by school. It makes me feel like a bad friend, wife, and employee. I don't even feel like that great of a daughter.

Somebody like me usually tends to get caught up in the little details, the things from the past that won't leave. Anxiety is driven by these thoughts, man. Some days my past mistakes are the only things I can think about and they affect me greatly. I'm lucky that I have Justin to help me through these things but it should not be his problem, at least I think so.

Christmas and Thanksgiving always bring back memories that I cherish but have a hard time living through. I feel guilty for not being more grateful for my mom and all the work she did for us to have a fun Christmas. I feel guilty for not including a childhood bff in my life more after she moved away. I feel guilty about my family dynamics in general. Part of me feels like the true Christine is missing, while this adult person I've become is a total bitch. I'm working very hard to reverse this view of myself, whether it is true or not.

I'm trying to become more grateful than anything, holiday season or not. The experiences in the past have made me who I am. For every single fight, shopping trip, play date, movie outing, and ordinary day, I am grateful. Those days make me sad because they are gone, not what happened in them. The fact that so much has happened that has stolen some of the joy that childhood brought. I guess that's what every adult deals with at some point.

Hoping whoever reads this has a beautiful Thanksgiving, that you reflect on your life with gratitude, joy, and sorrow, but remember that it all helped you become who you are. That is a wonderful thing.