father.

Compliments are as rare as precious gems, often shoved between passive aggressive comments regarding bulge and the future. When they do come, they are cherished and savored as one would savor a mirage in a desert. It exists, but barely and most of it lies within your own imagination.

There has never been a time that the words you are beautiful or you are precious, worthy, loved have left my father's lips; never on a special occasion, Girl Scout dance, and definitely not at my wedding. The praise he gives to everyone else, my sister, his so-called friends, or the potentially former drug addict he has informally adopted as favorite amongst the three he already has. I do not even know if he considers my brother his child, though I know genetically he is not.

Compliments about my appearance stopped when puberty hit. There were no more how cute/special/sweet are you. Instead, more passive aggressive fights. More ignoring. More prodding to stop being so fat, so weird, so ugly. Me growing up was not something my dad had ever considered.

Now I feel as though he believes I abandoned him for pursuing my own life. I no longer am at his beck and call, because my husband is my family now. The incessant calling to check on Mom daily for over six months, the nagging on sorting through their possessions as well as my forgotten ones, the disgust at my physical appearance. This is not melodrama, this is my life.

I do not feel attached like I once did. My view of God has changed because it is too closely related to my earthly father that belief in a celestial one becomes difficult. I voted for Obama and believe in gay marriage and I'm pretty sure my father knows but denies. He is in denial about life.

When I was a child, my family went furniture shopping. Mom and I went to the restroom, while Dad, my brother and sister were out looking at things. I told my mom, at age three, that my dad did not love me as much as Tracy. My mom looked at me, shocked, and this is probably why I still remember this. I could feel a trembling in my tummy and from the look upon her face to the he loves you, too, he just doesn't get to see her much, this was when I realized he did not love me as much as my sister and never would.

No matter how much he said he was proud of me after winning basketball championships four years in a row, nor when my drawings were accepted into an art show. He acts excited when he sees my commercials on TV or I tell him about my plans, but I don't know if I can trust that he really cares. This is the man who, upon my telling him I said yes to marrying my then boyfriend, he had to stop and tell me that Tim Curry had a heart attack.

Tim fucking Curry.

Ever since then, I realized my earlier suspicions were true. My mom loved me most, and while my dad might I certainly could not tell you if I believe it or not. He says I love you after we have conversations on the phone but sometimes seems embarrassed by it. Its not my choice that I don't have Mom to talk to anymore.

I miss her.


Though he comments often on how my sister should have went into modeling and how gorgeous, lovely, and wonderful she was, and how she could have been somebody, I realize I am already that somebody. His approval is the last thing I need because I never even had it. I am somebody; I am a model, I am an actress, I am a writer, I am a wife, I am a daughter and a damn good one at that.

I do not need the approval of a man who calls himself my dad but who acts as a cowardly lion.

#SNL40

I promised myself I would never start a blog by titling it with a hashtag, but since the world is referring to the SNL 40th Anniversary show that way, I may as well join the bandwagon this once. Every blog and news outlet has been sharing their opinions on the telecast, ranging everywhere from 'Why was there so much Kanye?' to 'Melissa McCarthy killed as Matt Foley'.

All the sentiments made are valid, of course, but I think we as a society put too much stock into what we think others think about the things we like. Like #SNL40. Yeah, there were weak parts and those have always existed in the confines of the layout of SNL. Skits will go too long, people will break, or the only laugh will be from the dude in the back who thinks its hilarious to watch the skit bomb.

Philosophical views aside, I really, really enjoyed SNL 40. Watching those brilliant comedians is always inspirational to me. I still want to be like them, you know? Lighting up the room, thousands of miles away, for millions of people.

Gives you goosebumps, doesn't it?

I was so glad to see my favorites back. My husband even knows that I've had a crush on Steve Martin since I saw the Muppet Movie the first time. He's incredible charming and quick witted, as was Dan Akroyd, Billy Crystal, Jon Lovitz, and the gang. Wayne's World always brings back fond memories of sneaking out in the middle of the night to pop in the VHS tape of the movie. Man, that was one of my favorite SNL movies.

I thought there were a few things lacking, though, personally. No Stuart Smiley giving sage advice to those who need to know that, gosh darn it, people like them. No Church Lady, which was okay given the whole Wayne's World thing. But no PAT? No Wild and Crazy Guys? What is the world coming to? It doesn't mean anything in the long run except, dang, I really liked those characters. Also, don't even get me started on Taylor Swift sucking the life out of the Californians. I literally shuttered.

So maybe while watching the show, I researched into taking improv classes again. I know, I know. I can't help but be inspired by these geniuses to try to at least feel like one. Maybe I'm good, maybe I'm terrible. All I have to do is try to find out.

Thank you, everyone who has been on Saturday Night Live. You help us experience a grand catharsis, laugh at ourselves, and laugh at the ridiculous world we live in. Without you, the world of comedy would be much smaller.

The Blogger's Dilemma

"Honesty is the best policy" is what people who are trying to get something out of you say. Its what teachers, moms, pastors, anybody with good moral fiber will tell you, whether you are a child or grown ass adult. I believe it, too, because honesty opens the doors for communication like nothing else will.

I hate to confess, though, that I never feel like I can ever be truly honest. There have been many things in my life lately that I am embarrassed by or ashamed of that I do not feel I can tell anyone. I am pretty open with my hopes and dreams but receive very little encouragement from my nuclear family. My father will give me advice all day long but will not listen when I really need to ask him something or confront him about something serious.

Another thing people say is "be yourself". Well, what if I don't happen to like that person? Shit, I know others think I am annoying when I am truly myself. Yes, I'm weird, a little goofy, and a very special little snowflake. Despite all that, I am still a loyal friend, good listener, and like to be silly with people as though I have known them awhile.

This is the most real I have been in a blog entry in a while, so please bear with me.

I am at a crossroads in my life, career, and health. If I don't make the proper health changes, my life and career are in jeopardy. If I don't start focusing on the career I want, time will pass through my hands like grains of sand and I will never feel accomplished. If I don't take my life seriously, I know I will have failed. If I don't enjoy my life, I will actually have failed.

Writing a blog gives me a place to release. I don't need people reading it or commenting on it in reality to justify my thoughts. This is something I have started to struggle with as I have become more reliant on my cell phone for entertainment, composure, and, for whatever God forsaken reason, self worth. It feels like the days of MySpace when how liked you are is based on how many friends you actually have.

Twitter and Instagram are still kind of new to me, even though I've had accounts for awhile. I'm trying to build a presence there and post things...especially when they are silly. That's when I'm at my best, I think. It shouldn't matter to me if my sister likes a picture of me or not or whether my Twitter friends are really real people that would love to collaborate with me. Those things would be great, but shouldn't doing it enough fulfill that desire? Its a hollow desire to feel needed or heard at best. Most of the time I do not feel either.

Honesty is my new policy. I am being honest with myself in my own insecurities and struggles. My father is always in denial. Maybe its about the druggie who is living in my bedroom that swears the cops "planted" heroin on him and how its not good for my mom or brother to be subjected to his infinite stupidity. Perhaps its about my mom's health, and how the massive amounts of yellow turmeric that are soaked into her jeans and the carpet are actually helping her brain and God can heal her one day if we just do one more thing different, eat one more pill, or go to one more fucking seminar.

There's a lot of anger but for as much I have to be angry about, I have much more to be happy about. My nuclear family kind of sucks now or maybe it always did and I was too naive to notice. Maybe I was never the nice girl that my parents told me I was, that I had always been a callous, social awkward and anxiety ridden twerp because of my being force fed Rush Limbaugh's propaganda and arrogance while completing math facts. Sidebar.

Life is not as miserable as it seems to be. J is the best thing that has ever happened to me. That might make you roll your eyes, and fine if you do. Our relationship is not perfect but it is the best out of anyone I know. We love each other, finish each others thoughts, dye of hysterical laughter almost every night. That is perfection to me and I am so glad I have it.

This has turned into a rant that I didn't intend for it to be. I should come back to this when I'm a little more level headed, less emotional, and WAY less tired. Homework is eating my lunch right now, mainly because I have very little energy to complete it. Even in the tiniest chunks it drains me.

If I'm being honest, I'm okay with that.

Goodnight, journal.

Happy New Year!

Perhaps its a bit late to jump on the New Year's contemplation bandwagon, as we are already four days in to 2015. So far, my husband and I have been really working towards our goals. Yeah, we've also jumped on the bandwagon of focusing on them as goals instead of resolutions, which we truly did start before the year was over. We've been to the gym twice this week and we've seen my parents a few times already.

There have been countless articles on HuffPost or, eh, BuzzFeed among many others regarding making "resolutions" or goals as a couple. Even though we spent the entirety of 2014 married, I'm not sure we really had one other than to have a happy first year of marriage. Despite some financial setbacks among other things, I'd say that 2014 had done right by us. It's time to take 2015 by the reigns, though.

On my very favorite advice podcast, My Brother, My Brother, and Me, the brothers McElroy name something each year as a theme to live by. Well, vaguely, anyway. It's more of just a big long goof that goes on for a long while. They haven't decided on the name of 2015, though 20-Grift-teen has been a popular one for them. For me? I'm not so much into stealing shit as I am making myself better or whatever.

This, my friends, is the year 20Christine.

Oh?

Lame?

Yeah, probably. But this is my year. This year, despite simply rhyming with my name, is the year I will 1. get an internship 2. teach a bunch of summer camps 3. finish my mall documentary (I actually am quite close on this) 4. get healthy 5. be NICE to myself, dammit 6. refine my spiritual life 7. GRADUATE!

These are my goals but they're more than that. They are the things I have been chasing and I have spent too long waddling around in the mire of self doubt to not freakin' take charge of my life already. Did you know I'm 27? TWENTY SEVEN. There are so many things I want to do and see and be before I decide on one thing. I know people will say that I am being "indecisive" or perhaps even "immature" but you can keep those stinky words for yourself.

This is my life. This is how I'm going to live. It's going to be beautiful.

Grateful

Every year at work, we have a different theme for student's to learn and for the community to adhere to. This year we are celebrating being grateful. Don't get me wrong--even though I may complain about my job, I am grateful for it. If I complain about my health, I am grateful that it is not worse.

Lately there have been many things popping up, convicting me that I have let my own standards fall by the wayside. Maybe its because of the growing depression and anxiety, or perhaps this is all causing it? To be honest, my family occupies most of my mind space, followed by school. It makes me feel like a bad friend, wife, and employee. I don't even feel like that great of a daughter.

Somebody like me usually tends to get caught up in the little details, the things from the past that won't leave. Anxiety is driven by these thoughts, man. Some days my past mistakes are the only things I can think about and they affect me greatly. I'm lucky that I have Justin to help me through these things but it should not be his problem, at least I think so.

Christmas and Thanksgiving always bring back memories that I cherish but have a hard time living through. I feel guilty for not being more grateful for my mom and all the work she did for us to have a fun Christmas. I feel guilty for not including a childhood bff in my life more after she moved away. I feel guilty about my family dynamics in general. Part of me feels like the true Christine is missing, while this adult person I've become is a total bitch. I'm working very hard to reverse this view of myself, whether it is true or not.

I'm trying to become more grateful than anything, holiday season or not. The experiences in the past have made me who I am. For every single fight, shopping trip, play date, movie outing, and ordinary day, I am grateful. Those days make me sad because they are gone, not what happened in them. The fact that so much has happened that has stolen some of the joy that childhood brought. I guess that's what every adult deals with at some point.

Hoping whoever reads this has a beautiful Thanksgiving, that you reflect on your life with gratitude, joy, and sorrow, but remember that it all helped you become who you are. That is a wonderful thing.

One year down, Infinity to go

Our first wedding anniversary is today!

I am tending to get mushier the older I get. I never thought I'd be like that to be honest. Perhaps I thought "strong silence" like my dad uses was how I would turn out, in order to not hurt or get hurt. Well, as much as my mom never wanted, I am much like her. She would cry reading Bible verses to me when I was very small. When I asked her why, she said because they were so beautiful. This is one thing that I have developed even more strongly in recent years and am maybe a little bit weepy as I write this.

Our wedding day had nothing to do with the good or bad decisions I made in planning. It had nothing to do with cake, flowers, dresses, or who sits where. It had and still has everything to do with us. I think that everyone would say it was us pretty much down to a t.

This past year has held such joy along with struggle. I get to see you every day, playing video games together until way too late, watching bad (and good) movies, planning our future kids' Christmas presents in the Toys R Us catalog. You support me more than anyone ever did, you love me more than ever has, and will continue to do so because that's who you are. You are the kindest person in the world and I hope part of the kindness rubs off onto me every day.

You are a talented artist but your talents do not stop there. There is nobody funnier or sillier than you! I cannot have bad karaoke dance parties in the car with anyone else nor would I want to. You know how to make me laugh when life gets too much. If anyone needs anything at all, you are always first to volunteer to help.

I remember our second date. This was the day I met the Young family, another benefit to being married to you!  It was Fourth of July, and we were sitting in the back of your dad's truck in the Joe T. Garcia's restaurant near downtown Ft. Worth. Traffic was terrible and this was the only spot we could find. It was clouded by trees, but that didn't really matter to either of us.

We talked about our greatest fears and wishes. I said that I wanted to leave a piece of me behind, scared of futility and all that philosophical nonsense. All you said you wanted was to be a good father. You told me how much you loved your dad and how you couldn't wait to pass all the knowledge on to someone else.

Talking about children so early didn't seem weird to me with you. You didn't judge me for my dreams, like so many others have. I knew that you were a good person with a heart of gold but it wasn't until that September that I knew that I wanted to be with you for all time.

After witnessing my mom's seizure and being alone in the hospital with her for hours, you kept calling and texting and asking if everything was okay. You said you'd leave work to be with me, something my father did not offer. I didn't want you to meet her like that or see me that way. We had only been dating barely two months at this point and I didn't want to scare you off either. You not only stuck with me through this, but the great depression and struggle that has followed me since.

There is nobody in the world that has showed me love like you. I remember thinking about it one day as we were driving and told you that you were the perfect example of what the Bible says about Jesus loving the church, the Bride and Bridegroom scenario. I love that you strive to be like Jesus even when others around you are not. This verse reminds me of you:

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:34-35

You show love and compassion everywhere you go and it is so beautiful to see it in action. You love your family, friends, people that you've never even met. You fill my heart with a gladness that is rare to find. You are precious to me. You are the Batman to my Robin and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now that we've gotten the first year out of the way, let's get started on taking over the world. At least our small part of it, you know? We are destined for great things and if there's anyone that deserves it, its you.

I love you, Justin. 

Happy Anniversary! 

 

Why can't people just be NICE?

To quote the Princess herself, why can't people just be nice?!

This is how I'm feeling today.

Yep. I feel like I'm drifting between partial anger/rage and keeping myself fairly calm. Because it's Friday, I'm just telling myself I don't care.