Round 2: FIGHT!

Right now, I feel like my life is like Street Fighter II. I'm playing as Chun-Li and losing terribly to Blanka AND Dhalsim at the same time.  There are enemies coming at me from every single direction, and no matter what I do, they just come back. Maybe I'm more of Chun-Li embracing Blanka in defeat.

Lately, there are more up-hill battles than just regular, plain battles. There are fights with myself, my textbooks, my husband (not often, but only when I'm grouchy), and fights with my intellectual self. College at 27, in a freakin' Bachelor's program at that, is a lot tougher than it was at 22. I've gone into why I haven't finished already before, and am working on giving myself credit.

My husband and I had a talk about this one class that was the bane of my existence in the first quarter of Fall. Sci-Fi should be my thing, right? If anything, I love 1. books 2. science fiction 3. dystopian literature. Well, I did NOT love the professor, his teaching methods, and got way too defeated in my first quarter back as a full time student. Needless to say, I failed this course.

FAILED.

ME.

FAILED.

I did not set myself up for success. I can only blame my professor for his lack of attention to detail in describing assignments or giving timelines. What falls on me is not being in constant contact with him, or even just doing it all in advance like it seemed almost every person did.

This quarter is setting up to be a bit different. I'm forcing myself to stay up later every night in order to get my reading and discussion boards done. Discussion boards are the hardest for me! I know they are supposed to "mimic" classroom conversations, but I've always been the observer type. Well, except in English or art classes. I guess I do have some kind of teacher's pet mentality.

J and I rarely fight, and if we do its usually just pretend fighting. I'm not even kidding. That's something we do regularly, especially when we go to Toys R Us or Target. Slow motion fighting has it's place in adults lives, too.

When we actually do get into it, it's because he hates how I talk to myself. I know that I'm not kind to myself. For some reason, I've become more and more of a perfectionist but you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me. I'm fat, not the sharpest dresser anymore, and will let my eyebrows run rampant for months.

I told him I felt stupid and defeated and like everything is battling against me to graduate. This is how I've felt for years now, and I think its true--not just because I say it, either. He, on the other hand, abhors that I talk this way to myself. With his overwhelmingly sweet and sincere concern for my sanity and all that, there's no way I can't help but listen and take heed to what he says to me.

We were in the car driving home from a really fun day. I think it was Saturday, where we had seen his parents, went apartment hunting, and had a jolly good time. Or, it was Sunday, which was just as wonderful. I checked my email and lo and behold, my class was over. WHAT. I thought the day the class ended was the following Tuesday, not the Friday prior. Crap. I had failed. FAILED. Partially because of my disorganized and over-saturated brain and partially because my professor was too lazy to correctly write the days things were due on the portal.

I was more than upset. I haven't ever failed anything so blatantly in my life. Sure, I failed math, but I just couldn't get my brain around the concepts. THIS? This was what I was born to do and love. What was wrong with me?

We had to stop at the apartment to grab something for some reason, so I went inside and came back defeated. Justin said he had a song to play for me. I knew what it was, because he always plays it when I have a bad day. It was also in our wedding, believe it or not.

It was one of my favorite songs from She and Him, called "Me and You". Of course, I start to cry. When I get this way, J comforts me with saying that I am still accomplishing my goal of finishing college. Stopping to worry about everything or judge myself only holds myself back. I need to appreciate what I am doing, that I am taking my life into my own hands. Sure, it's a little step at a time but success doesn't happen overnight. It takes hard work and determination and knowing you can do it. The thing I was lacking? The knowing-I-can-do-it part.

This is a game I'm determined to win. Calendar days, semesters or quarters, and birthdays don't matter. I will be the first child to graduate with a college degree in my family. It would make my mother so proud, and my dad, too. It would make me proudest of all.

I'm ready to battle on. Got a new game plan, my sweet husband taking care of me, and am working on the patience to treat myself with kindness while I go through this journey. It's time to dominate my fears and get this show on the road.