One year down, Infinity to go

Our first wedding anniversary is today!

I am tending to get mushier the older I get. I never thought I'd be like that to be honest. Perhaps I thought "strong silence" like my dad uses was how I would turn out, in order to not hurt or get hurt. Well, as much as my mom never wanted, I am much like her. She would cry reading Bible verses to me when I was very small. When I asked her why, she said because they were so beautiful. This is one thing that I have developed even more strongly in recent years and am maybe a little bit weepy as I write this.

Our wedding day had nothing to do with the good or bad decisions I made in planning. It had nothing to do with cake, flowers, dresses, or who sits where. It had and still has everything to do with us. I think that everyone would say it was us pretty much down to a t.

This past year has held such joy along with struggle. I get to see you every day, playing video games together until way too late, watching bad (and good) movies, planning our future kids' Christmas presents in the Toys R Us catalog. You support me more than anyone ever did, you love me more than ever has, and will continue to do so because that's who you are. You are the kindest person in the world and I hope part of the kindness rubs off onto me every day.

You are a talented artist but your talents do not stop there. There is nobody funnier or sillier than you! I cannot have bad karaoke dance parties in the car with anyone else nor would I want to. You know how to make me laugh when life gets too much. If anyone needs anything at all, you are always first to volunteer to help.

I remember our second date. This was the day I met the Young family, another benefit to being married to you!  It was Fourth of July, and we were sitting in the back of your dad's truck in the Joe T. Garcia's restaurant near downtown Ft. Worth. Traffic was terrible and this was the only spot we could find. It was clouded by trees, but that didn't really matter to either of us.

We talked about our greatest fears and wishes. I said that I wanted to leave a piece of me behind, scared of futility and all that philosophical nonsense. All you said you wanted was to be a good father. You told me how much you loved your dad and how you couldn't wait to pass all the knowledge on to someone else.

Talking about children so early didn't seem weird to me with you. You didn't judge me for my dreams, like so many others have. I knew that you were a good person with a heart of gold but it wasn't until that September that I knew that I wanted to be with you for all time.

After witnessing my mom's seizure and being alone in the hospital with her for hours, you kept calling and texting and asking if everything was okay. You said you'd leave work to be with me, something my father did not offer. I didn't want you to meet her like that or see me that way. We had only been dating barely two months at this point and I didn't want to scare you off either. You not only stuck with me through this, but the great depression and struggle that has followed me since.

There is nobody in the world that has showed me love like you. I remember thinking about it one day as we were driving and told you that you were the perfect example of what the Bible says about Jesus loving the church, the Bride and Bridegroom scenario. I love that you strive to be like Jesus even when others around you are not. This verse reminds me of you:

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:34-35

You show love and compassion everywhere you go and it is so beautiful to see it in action. You love your family, friends, people that you've never even met. You fill my heart with a gladness that is rare to find. You are precious to me. You are the Batman to my Robin and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now that we've gotten the first year out of the way, let's get started on taking over the world. At least our small part of it, you know? We are destined for great things and if there's anyone that deserves it, its you.

I love you, Justin. 

Happy Anniversary! 

 

Why can't people just be NICE?

To quote the Princess herself, why can't people just be nice?!

This is how I'm feeling today.

Yep. I feel like I'm drifting between partial anger/rage and keeping myself fairly calm. Because it's Friday, I'm just telling myself I don't care.

Round 2: FIGHT!

Right now, I feel like my life is like Street Fighter II. I'm playing as Chun-Li and losing terribly to Blanka AND Dhalsim at the same time.  There are enemies coming at me from every single direction, and no matter what I do, they just come back. Maybe I'm more of Chun-Li embracing Blanka in defeat.

Lately, there are more up-hill battles than just regular, plain battles. There are fights with myself, my textbooks, my husband (not often, but only when I'm grouchy), and fights with my intellectual self. College at 27, in a freakin' Bachelor's program at that, is a lot tougher than it was at 22. I've gone into why I haven't finished already before, and am working on giving myself credit.

My husband and I had a talk about this one class that was the bane of my existence in the first quarter of Fall. Sci-Fi should be my thing, right? If anything, I love 1. books 2. science fiction 3. dystopian literature. Well, I did NOT love the professor, his teaching methods, and got way too defeated in my first quarter back as a full time student. Needless to say, I failed this course.

FAILED.

ME.

FAILED.

I did not set myself up for success. I can only blame my professor for his lack of attention to detail in describing assignments or giving timelines. What falls on me is not being in constant contact with him, or even just doing it all in advance like it seemed almost every person did.

This quarter is setting up to be a bit different. I'm forcing myself to stay up later every night in order to get my reading and discussion boards done. Discussion boards are the hardest for me! I know they are supposed to "mimic" classroom conversations, but I've always been the observer type. Well, except in English or art classes. I guess I do have some kind of teacher's pet mentality.

J and I rarely fight, and if we do its usually just pretend fighting. I'm not even kidding. That's something we do regularly, especially when we go to Toys R Us or Target. Slow motion fighting has it's place in adults lives, too.

When we actually do get into it, it's because he hates how I talk to myself. I know that I'm not kind to myself. For some reason, I've become more and more of a perfectionist but you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me. I'm fat, not the sharpest dresser anymore, and will let my eyebrows run rampant for months.

I told him I felt stupid and defeated and like everything is battling against me to graduate. This is how I've felt for years now, and I think its true--not just because I say it, either. He, on the other hand, abhors that I talk this way to myself. With his overwhelmingly sweet and sincere concern for my sanity and all that, there's no way I can't help but listen and take heed to what he says to me.

We were in the car driving home from a really fun day. I think it was Saturday, where we had seen his parents, went apartment hunting, and had a jolly good time. Or, it was Sunday, which was just as wonderful. I checked my email and lo and behold, my class was over. WHAT. I thought the day the class ended was the following Tuesday, not the Friday prior. Crap. I had failed. FAILED. Partially because of my disorganized and over-saturated brain and partially because my professor was too lazy to correctly write the days things were due on the portal.

I was more than upset. I haven't ever failed anything so blatantly in my life. Sure, I failed math, but I just couldn't get my brain around the concepts. THIS? This was what I was born to do and love. What was wrong with me?

We had to stop at the apartment to grab something for some reason, so I went inside and came back defeated. Justin said he had a song to play for me. I knew what it was, because he always plays it when I have a bad day. It was also in our wedding, believe it or not.

It was one of my favorite songs from She and Him, called "Me and You". Of course, I start to cry. When I get this way, J comforts me with saying that I am still accomplishing my goal of finishing college. Stopping to worry about everything or judge myself only holds myself back. I need to appreciate what I am doing, that I am taking my life into my own hands. Sure, it's a little step at a time but success doesn't happen overnight. It takes hard work and determination and knowing you can do it. The thing I was lacking? The knowing-I-can-do-it part.

This is a game I'm determined to win. Calendar days, semesters or quarters, and birthdays don't matter. I will be the first child to graduate with a college degree in my family. It would make my mother so proud, and my dad, too. It would make me proudest of all.

I'm ready to battle on. Got a new game plan, my sweet husband taking care of me, and am working on the patience to treat myself with kindness while I go through this journey. It's time to dominate my fears and get this show on the road.

Stop hitting yourself.

Ah, self inflicted pain that is brought on by some other smug monkey. This sadly happens to be a place where I find myself quite often. No, I'm not literally being smacked by a gorilla in the forest or even remotely anyone in real life. I trust myself to go through my day, read a little bit on Reddit or Facebook, and move on.

This is not how I operate though. Some may say I suffer from low self-esteem, but my husband might say it ranges anywhere from slightly below average on a good day to buried six feet under on most. A lot of times I go on Facebook to get inspired and see what all my super creative and talented friends are up to. They're making movies, writing things, changing the world. You know, kid stuff. What am I doing at that very same moment?

Beating myself up for not doing the things they are doing. Probably not so much the exact task they have found themselves in but more that they are doing what they want and they love it. It satisfies them in the way that I would like to be satisfied, the way my heart desires to be filled. Where their tiny voice encourages them by saying "you can do it!" mine often says "you crazy girl, what are you thinking?" More often than not, that's what it says to me consistently.

Though I've spent most of my life fighting it and guarding myself from it, it seems as though its damn near impossible to flee comparisons in this day and age. I'm sure there are people who manage to avoid that at all costs, but maybe I'm not one of them. To me, all I want is to be happy and creative and appreciated for both of those things. But if I spend all my time comparing and doubting myself, am I really accomplishing anything at all?

Whoever reads this, let's complete a challenge together.

I'm going to try my hardest to swap a negative thought for a positive one.

Instead of thinking someone has already done what I want to do, I'm going to make a list of steps to complete my goals.

I will not listen to those voices who tell me why bother or bring up past failures to tease me.

My husband hates when I talk negatively to myself, and I hate that sometimes I let him see it. Really, my life should be lived that I do not do this kind of thing to myself, that I appreciate and am grateful for all God has blessed me with. A late bloomer by nature, I'm sure my time will come when I will have a chance to prove to myself (more than others at this point) that I can do what I set my mind to.

After all, if God is for me, who can be against me? (Romans 8:31)

My boss has told me that I need to give more credit to myself. It bothers her when I don't speak up in meetings or when I act like working on my degree is not important. How I act in those situations sometimes reflects my mood at the time, often when we have meetings my daily migraines have laid claim to my noggin. Other times its a result of believing all the stupid and mean things people have told me and I have believed.

I hope you'll complete this challenge with me. This is not something that I will say I will do for one week, or one month, or even one year. It is something I must put into practice daily for the rest of my life. Just have to keep pressing on to what I want and it will be mine. The first step, though, is to stop hitting myself.

Working on My Ish

I thought going back to college would be simple, even though it had been a few years since I had taken academic courses. I'd worked three jobs before, taken a full course load, and managed to exercise religiously every morning for a few years.

This time, it's different.

Yeah, there's this thing called time that passes and causes us to gain age, weight, and knowledge (to an extent), but I feel like my brain has died on the road to where I am today. It's out there somewhere on a road, lying dead next to an Armadillo.

The only job I have full time is, you know, working, wife-ing, and schooling. Oh, and daughter-ing, church-ing, cleaning, and artist-ing.

I am overthrown with exasperation to the nth degree. Like, I can't even.

Husband and I will both be pulling all-nighters in regards to our work. I have a paper, a test, an two essays. He has a freelance job he's doing because he wants to help me pay for my classes. That man is truly a saint to me.

I don't know what the answer is to this overwhelming situation. I know I only have a year at most left. But I feel like I cannot give my classes 100% or anything for that matter because there simply is too much going on in my life. This is where I find myself asking "What do I need to give up to make this work?"

If anyone has any ideas, I'll be hunched over this cup of coffee with headphones on and a textbook in my lap.

THAT's what my voice sounds like?

I always thought my voice sounded kind of cool, at least in my head. That's probably my first problem: being somewhat arrogant about something that doesn't really matter. Since I was little, I've loved the thought of radio broadcasting and acting, as I've written about the latter several times on this blog.

But there's one thing that might hinder me from ever getting VO work: my voice is annoying.

It's stupid, I know, but my voice is exceptionally annoying to me. I can't control what my tongue does, and when I do, it sounds more contrived than it did before. It makes me wonder if I would ever be able to get any kind of VO work ever. I'm sure I could get something, but I bet it won't be reading an audio book.

Justin has told me to try to take one day at a time and make each day great. I worked on my short film pre-production yesterday, and have tried to better myself by reading up on web series development this morning. I still feel like I'm lagging behind and maybe, just maybe, I'm forcing myself into a career that I would never be good in.

Yeah, I'm a defeatist by nature. Lately, though, life has been more sad than happy and I have felt more lame than anything else. Maybe I am forcing myself into being an actress and filmmaker for validation reasons. I love the art of it, but is that my sole motivation? I always like to think storytelling is why I'm in it, but sometimes I'm not quite sure.

I'll play this life out as my hobby, then go from there. Maybe I should pick up painting again or something. Maybe I should stop being so hard on my self for once.

Back to School, oh, and work

I cannot believe it is August 5th. AUGUST. FIFTH. WHAT. The time has certainly dragged and flown by simultaneously, as all holiday breaks do. It's been productive and stressful and a little bit lazy, which I definitely needed. I gained more weight than I lost, but I'm taking care of myself in more ways than I had previously.

June was full of school for me; my nephew graduated high school, I went back to college, taught a summer camp, and drove the bus for a bunch of camps for the first time. It was really fun, but I didn't have much time to sit or even think.

July was the opposite. I thought too much, which is usually my downward spiral into a funk. It's silly to have a funk in the summer time, but it happens to me every year, whether in school or not. Summer for me always meant exciting adventures with Mom, and staying up until midnight because Dad was building a LOT of crates for a job the next day. It was fun, but exhausting. Nowadays its mostly the latter.

My sister and her daughter came down this past week to help me clean up some of Dad's house. It was not easy, and we didn't seem to make a huge dent, but I'm glad that she was able to experience some of what I do, seeing Mom in the form she is, and both of us helping Dad to show that we love and support him.

Now on to the hardest time in our lives: COLLEGE.

I'm starting back on August 21, in the midst of orientation for work. I'm hopeful that I will be able to give 110% to both work and school and my family, but we will see. I just want to make sure that I get good grades. If I keep a 3.4 or higher, I could graduate with honors, which means graduate school may be more of a possibility than it was before.

Pushing through with the max loads should put me at graduating in December 2015. Only a year away :)

I'm praying that I will not lose my sanity or vision, and that I will finally have my life come together when I'm 28. Then,I can focus on storytelling, my career, and being able to support my family in a better way than I have been able to in the past.